Baby, it’s cold outside

Therefore, I’m not leaving the house. Even though I scraped enough just enough coffee grounds to make coffee this morning and will not have that option tomorrow, I am staying put. So far, I’ve done an extended workout, pickled some shallots, roasted beets, made granola, and sorted my shoe collection.

I’m not someone who does too well with idle time, I like do things, I like to be around people, I like plans goddamnit, and these are all things that COVID has taken from me. In the beginning, it did not get to me too much, because no one was doing anything but as we’ve entered this new phase, where risk assessment has become so individualized, an awful lot of people are doing things. Omicron is still very much a thing here in NYC and most everyone I know is playing it pretty safe. But I have a few friends who got COVID, lived to tell the tale, and are taking a bit of a “fuck it” approach to life. Even without BC, I was never quite good at ignoring risk.

Last night, E and I were talking about taking some trips and the planner in me swooned. Unfortunately, E is not a planner and says things like “Should we go to Miami on Tuesday?” and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around going to Miami in four days. I wish I could be someone who leapt a bit more before looking, but I’m reminded of the time I took a trapeze class. I nailed all the exercises on the ground but once I got to the top of the ladder, and was told to grab the pole and fly, I panicked. It was the height, the lack of control, the exasperated tone of the instructor that rendered me unable to move. I ultimately summoned my courage and jumped, mainly to get away from the irritated instructor. I put my legs up on the trapeze bar as the others before me had done. From below, a different instructor told me to let go with my right hand as I swung. I did. He then told me to let go with my left hand to which I replied, “No, thank you!” and proceeded to dismount, landing safely on the net.

I was proud of myself for not letting my fear get the best of me but also for recognizing what my limits are. I’ll never be someone who can fly through the air with the greatest of ease. I’m just not built that way but rather lean toward the deliberate and safe. Finding a way to enjoy and experience life without staying rooted in one spot due to my fears is the challenge I face right now. I’m working on it, with a whole host of supports, and inching toward the edge so I can keep moving forward, in my own way.