Full time job

I was telling a friend this morning about a scheduling snafu with my treatment that meant making a series of phone calls to get things sorted and it was stressful, time-consuming, and frankly annoying. She responded that being a cancer patient sounds like a full time job. And it really can be at times. Not when things are quiet in your body, but when it comes time for a scan, or a change in treatment, or some add-on services like acupuncture, physical therapy, or counseling. Juggling those appointments takes a lot of coordination. I also have a somewhat demanding full time job that requires a lot of meetings — half of which could be emails or saved for my boss’ visits to the therapist she needs. I don’t have anyone’s but my own schedule to manage but it is no less daunting. There is no back up to me in any of the areas of my life.

I think we all believe we learned what was important in life during the pandemic. That’s what prompted the Great Resignation. Which is all fine and good but what about those still working. I’m all for folks finding a job that makes them happy, pursue their passions, make more time in their life for family, friends, hobbies, whatever that might be. Our staffing vacancy rate is high and we are operating during what feels like a never-ending pandemic with vacancies in two significant leadership positions. We can’t seem to find interested candidates and i understand that it is an employee’s market so yes, applicants, you look for that dream job, and maybe being the HR Director at a dysfunctional but well meaning nonprofit that can’t quite afford to pay you market is NOT that dream but I really need it to be someone’s dream and FAST. I want to step back from work but stepping back only means putting more on the plates of my similarly overworked colleagues and that is not something I can do without swapping stress for guilt.

It is now the end of my work day, many emails are being left unanswered, and my schedule of scans and appointments is not quite sorted. Scanxiety is a real thing and the scheduling snafus are bringing it to an 11. I am torn between wanting to know what is going in my body and living in the unknown for a little longer. Since there is no more I can do for tonight, I am going to move my body a bit and in the words of the incomparable Taylor Swift, shake it off.