one of those days
I’m at a low point. There is really no other way to put it. I started a new medication two weeks ago and I’m got a mouth sore that just won’t quit, some other bathroom-related side effects I will not go into, and a shit ton of my pain in my pelvis. I woke up at 4:00am last night in a fair amount of pain and had the full on emotional breakdown that I sensed was coming. I have been rather stoic lately and that usually means something, however slight, may set me off. I believe in cathartic crying, I try not to keep my emotions pent up but I am also trying not to be a weepy mess all day and every day. Sometimes bouncing between those extremes is draining in and of itself.
This weekend I spent Saturday afternoon with two friends who are both vaccinated and so we were able to discard our masks, eat cheese, and cheer on the women’s national team. One of the friends is recently engaged and is planning a wedding next year, including an engagement party in India. I’ve never been to India and I desperately want to go. All signs point to me being able to attend, there’s no reason to think I won’t be healed from my fracture and my body will otherwise be in good enough shape to travel. But with this new diagnosis, there is a hesitation that comes into play when making long-term plans. I’m trying to live in the moment but when the moment feels painful, both physically and emotionally, it is natural to look forward. But when forward-looking feels uncertain, it does not always provide me with comfort. When I parted from those friends, fatigued from walking a tad farther than I should have, drained from thinking about an uncertain future, I could sense that a breakdown was coming.
I’m lucky that I have a strong support system, that E answered my middle of the night call, then my friend Danielle when E got overwhelmed himself. I’m lucky that I have a therapist who I’ll talk to today. I’m lucky that I have a fellow thriver (that’s the term for those of us living with MBC) who I can reach out to, who’s been there. I’m lucky that I can afford to go to physical therapy and learn that my pain is likely the result of my poor posture while using crutches. I’m lucky that this phase, although a pretty shitty one, is likely to pass. I have to remain patient.
